Understanding Family Violence

Family violence is all about power and control - one person using violence to control their spouse or partner. Many times, it's physical ... but it doesn't have to be. Abuse can also be emotional, verbal or sexual.

What are the warning signs?

No two abusers act exactly the same. However, there are signs that a relationship is dangerous. For example:

• Jealousy – In the beginning of a relationship, jealousy may seem like an expression of love or concern. As time passes, however, jealousy turns to entitlement and possession. This can include falsely accusing you of having sex with others. Jealous behavior begins to isolate the victim, who may stop seeing friends, family, and spiritual advisors in order to please the jealous partner.
• Use of Violence - Abusers may have a history of using force or violence to solve problems. They may display a quick temper, overreact to little problems and frustrations of everyday life, throw objects, punch walls, be cruel to animals, and have a criminal record for violence.
• Rigid Gender Roles - With this there is a sense of entitlement to be "in charge" in the relationship. The abuser strongly subscribes to rigid, stereotypical gender roles. Tradition, culture and religion are used to justify abuse.
• Weapons - Availability of weapons, or threatening to use them, increases the risk of homicide and/or suicide. Note: The abuser may attempt to disguise a threat to use a weapon, for example, "cleaning" a weapon during an argument.
• Substance Abuse - There is a strong link between violence and abuse of alcohol and other drugs, but these are separate issues and need to be dealt with separately. The domestic abuser uses substance abuse to excuse offensive and hurtful behavior. The substance abuse does not cause, or excuse the abusive behavior.
• Family History - Children who grow up in abusive families may believe that violence is normal behavior.

Why do victims stay with the abuser?

Victims of domestic violence often are blamed by their family members, friends, co-workers and the media for not getting out of dangerous relationships. There may be a number of reasons - including fear, cultural/spiritual values, finances, and isolation - that prevent them from leaving.

As a society, when we blame the victim for remaining in the relationship, we empower the abuser. The real question should be "Why does the perpetrator abuse the victim?" or "Why won't the abuser leave the relationship?" or "How can an abuser claim to love their family and still hurt them?"

Domestic violence is not the victim's fault. We should never, ever blame the victim. An abuser is responsible for his/her actions.